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Four People You'll Meet at a Party

If you don’t already know these people, consider this an introduction. Rule of thumb: if you can’t identify the person we’re talking about, it’s you.

1. That really drunk guy who’s yelling

Avoid him like the plague. He’s too drunk to hook up, and tbh, this is also kind of a turn-off. His friends might be present but probably won’t shut him up, just because it’s too embarrassing. We get it, but also, like, really?

2. That person who’s had four too many drinks

Yes, he or she never drank in high school, and yes, they wanna let loose in college. But is it really necessary to down six shots in 20 minutes, only to be delivered to a friend’s dorm at 10:30pm on the shoulder of another friend who was just there to enjoy the party and not get fucked up, and then proceed to stagger about until they fall asleep? No. It is not.

3. That person you hooked up with and now is “ew.”

They’ll avoid your gaze, they’ll pretend you don’t exist, and they will definitely not want to hook up with you ever again. Do not approach them: nothing could be worse than asking them (confidently, you think, but actually drunkenly) to meet up again tonight, only than to be rejected and then have you melt into a puddle of tears. Yikes.

4. That sober person

Sober people are either very preachy, or very chill. When you get fucked up and can’t get home, they’re good to have around, but sometimes they can be a buzzkill, you know? Know who’s who and then your own drunken revelry won’t be ruined. Of course, you will have that sober friend who is fun—keep this person around. They will take you home and love you no matter what.

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Francesca Malatesta,  Editor in Chief
Jessica Luo, Publishing Director